Googling 'Canada joke'

On the web, nobody knows when your joke bombs

Googling 'Canada joke' yields some common targets -- Americans, the Leafs and ourselves -- but few laughs
Published: The Ottawa Citizen, Sunday, August 19, 2007

The top five hits from Googling 'Canada joke'

1. www.friendlycanadian.com

Back in 2003, the following joke was posted. Since then, the site has featured an ugly and decidedly unfunny flame war between Americans and Canadians, and recently has descended into spam for fake Rolexes and Viagra.

On the sixth day God turned to the angel Gabriel and said "Today I am going to create a land called Canada.

"It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty -- it shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, and beautiful sparkly lakes bountiful with carp and trout. There shall be forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon.

"I shall make the land rich in oil so to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, they shall be known as the most friendly people on the Earth."

"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"

"No, not really." God replied ... "Just wait and see the neighbours I am going to give them!"

2. www.ahajokes.com

You know your (sic) from Manitoba, Canada, when ...

1. You only know three spices -- salt, pepper and ketchup.

2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

3. The mosquitoes have landing lights.

4. You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.

5. You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat.

and so on, down to ...

26. You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Northern friends.

3. http://boating.ncf.ca

Weather jokes that have been 'modified for boaters'. A selection:

- 30° Fahrenheit / -1° Celsius

American water freezes, Canadians drive with the windows down.

-460° Fahrenheit / -273° Celsius

Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops, Canadians start saying "cold eh?"

-500° Fahrenheit / -295° Celsius

Hell freezes over and theToronto Maple Leafs win Stanley Cup.

4. www.humorsphere.com

An American, a Scot and a Canuk were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived.

Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $100, we could return to the earth."

He continued, "so of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $100, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."

5. www.dirtyjokesinc.com

Despite the website's name, there are a few jokes appropriate enough to reprint:

A young boy was taken away from his parents because he was being abused.

The case goes to court, and the judge turns to the little boy and says "Son, If you had to chose who you wanted to live with, would you chose your mom, or your dad?"

The little boy thinks for a couple minutes and replies, "Well ... I don't want to live with my dad cuz he beats me ... And I don't want to live with my mom, cuz she beats me too. Soo ... I guess I'd like to live with the Toronto Maples Leafs ... cuz they don't beat ANYONE!!"

© The Ottawa Citizen 2007

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